Things still aren’t right between us, I’m starting to wonder if they ever were? We talk everyday, mostly about how our day has been, what happened at work, your round of golf.
It always feels familiar and it always feels strange. I feel so happy when you message me first, but lately I have been thinking that it would be better if I didn’t try to be your friend.
I’m always upset, always thinking about you and what I did wrong, always wondering what I did to deserve this. I can’t even go to London anymore without feeling sad because I took you to all of my favourite places.
I don’t think I will ever understand why we always get close to each other and why we have an obvious connection, but we can’t get this thing between us right.
I’ve always thought you were the one I would grow old with, the one I would tell all my secrets to and the one I would get a puppy with. You calm me down, make me think twice about reacting in a certain way or about saying something impulsively and you make me feel safe and loved. But, none of this is enough, not for you.
You’ve told me that things didn’t ‘feel right’ between us, and I know if I asked you to explain further you would say you couldn’t. I often wonder if there is something specific that you just don’t want to tell me?
I have seriously considered asking you to leave me alone, to not text, not speak to me on Mondays – but I’m not even capable of doing that. I miss you, everyday, some worse than others, today is one of those days. I don’t know what to do! I know what I should do! I can’t do it, not yet. I’m not ready to say goodbye. For goodbye it will be, I know this can’t go on and at the same time I don’t want it to stop. Because I need you in my life, but, more importantly than that, I want you in my life.
I don’t want anyone else, just you. I want you to hold me when I’m sad, encourage me when I need encouraging, tell me when I’m being a pain in the arse, argue with me when we can’t talk properly. I want to share all the good things that happen to me, I want to make you laugh, I want to make you smile, I want to be there for you when you are having a bad day. I want to fall asleep with you and wake up next to you, I want to hold your hand, look into your eyes and tell you that I love you. That I am ready to tell you my secret, that I’m ready to share the part of myself that I am most ashamed by.
I don’t want anyone else, just you. I know I should stop trying, I just don’t know if I can and it’s slowly killing me.