So, it has been a while. Over a year in fact!
Last year I was feeling even more lost than the year before, if that was even possible. I went through a period of wondering what the hell I was doing with my life, why I still lived at home, why I couldn’t find that elusive ‘someone’? Younger JA would have beaten herself up about not having the answers, about not being ‘grown-up’ enough to know what to do. I mean, I’m in my late 30’s now. SURELY, I should have some idea, right?
The benefit of being in my late 30’s though, is that I have enough wisdom (who knew?!) to understand that I don’t think anyone ever has THE answers. I think we all just make the choices we feel are best at that time, although, hindsight sometimes proves us wrong!!
Also, I just don’t care anymore. Who cares if I still live at home? A home I have been helping to buy and will ultimately inherit when the time comes. Who cares if I don’t know what I am doing with my life? I do envy those who have a clear idea of the path or direction they want to go in, but I think the world needs people who don’t have a clue, who try new things and find the things they are good at. Who cares if I haven’t found that elusive ‘someone’? It doesn’t really make a difference to anyone but me.
I’m learning and accepting, everyday, that life is not supposed to be clean and tidy, that for each day I wake up I at least have a fighting chance to get to the end of it, that I need to like the person I see in the mirror every morning. That is the hard part! To learn to love the things about yourself that you hate, that you wish you could change. Ultimately, these are the things that make me who I am. That make me an individual. That make the people who truly care, stick around…even when I am being a handful.
And trust me, I am a handful…