Just Avy

A mix of thoughts, feelings and occasionally, stuff I have actually done.

We Can Never Be ‘Just Friends’…

Because we can’t, we’ve never been ‘just friends’, there has always been something there. You told me so yourself this year at your flat when you asked me out. I turned you down and you got upset, when I asked what the matter was you said you were serious. I reminded you that we had travelled this road before to which you replied “things are different now, I’m older, more mature and I know what I want.”

This is the third time in almost five years we have ended up here and I’m not sure if that means we should just give up because we always end up feeling rubbish or fight for what I want, what I believe we have because we always end up in some stage of ‘togetherness.’

I don’t feel that you gave the relationship a chance, instead choosing to struggle with some stuff by yourself rather than share your thoughts and feelings with me. Something I was afraid of from the beginning. I know that my somewhat unpredictable moods weren’t a great help. I know that five years of knowing me isn’t enough time to learn that my silence isn’t always a bad thing. I am capable of being silent when I am content.

I don’t know where we go from here, not least of all because of my ill conceived idea that scared you, as it would have scared me too. Girls do crazy stuff when the feel they have no other options. It wasn’t my first mistake in love and it definitely won’t be my last. But I do know that I fear we will forever be stuck in this circle, and I don’t really want to waste any more of my precious time on the bad stuff, I’d much prefer to focus on the good, together stuff. I think we will always disagree and fall out, but there isn’t a couple in the entire history of couples that haven’t fallen out at some point.

For now I have to exercise patience (not my strongest quality), wait for the newest layer of dust to settle and begin the inevitable road to friendship once more.

JA

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Now…

My birthday this year wasn’t great. I hadn’t been on facebook for five months or so and about seven people remembered…including the family I live with. Pretty heartbreaking stuff. A week after my birthday I attended the party of another family member, I wasn’t happy and didn’t really want to be there, but upon entering the room I got a massive hug from the boy.

The following Monday I go to pool and at some point the boy asks if I want to go to the cinema later that week. I agree immediately telling him to text me with the details and I’d be there. The day of the cinema arrives and I get a text asking if I would like to have dinner beforehand as the film didn’t start until a little before 8, I agree as we’d had dinner loads of times before. So, there we are having dinner, watching a movie, driving home just like old times. He pulls up outside my house and jumps out of the car to open the door for me. Idiot!!

Over the course of the next two weeks the old pattern started again, texts everyday, more trips to the cinema, dinners etc. A small party was arranged at the boys flat for the day before Valentine’s Day.

February 13th…

Myself, Mutual Friend and Slightly Awkward friend all descend upon the boy’s flat armed with drink. Shots were done, drinking games were done, singing along to Frozen’s “Let It Go” was also done. At some point during the observation of Jaeger Pong I commented how ridiculous it was that the boy was losing to Slightly Awkward friend and I got asked for a good luck kiss, which in the end was more of a peck than an actual kiss and didn’t actually bring any luck after all as the boy LOST the game. Another game was set up and during this one the boy finally grows a pair and asks “Will you go out with me?”

Now at this point, you’d think that having know him for 5 years and liked him for about 4 and a half of those years I would jump at the chance…WRONG. I turn him down. The boy gets upset (probably because of the drink) and leaves the room, hitting the door or wall on his way out. Ooops!! How cute! Later I asked him what the matter was and he replied that he was serious about asking me out. I reminded him that we had been down this road before and he retorted with “things are different now, I’m older, more mature and I know what I want”, this made me happy, but not stupid enough to drunkenly say yes.

Over the next three weeks the boy kept saying that we should be together, but I was hesitant due to the history between us. He said once about winning my affection and I remember thinking “you don’t need to, because I’m already yours”, but let him woo me anyway because it was sweet and I’ve never been wooed before. We got together officially on March 6th and it was wonderful. I enjoyed being with him even if it was only for a few hours, I missed him when he wasn’t around.

One thing you should know about me, It’s not easy to know me. I have a temper, my emotions are on a constant roller coaster and I don’t like to let people in (odd to believe as I’m pouring my heart out right now).

So, now we arrive at the last two weeks. Where things went wrong, comments were made and taken the wrong way and one of us did what they always do when things get a little rough, turn and run in the opposite direction. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve looked back at that Monday night and wished I’d just text back “wuv you too”. Because then I’d still have my ‘person’, my emergency contact person, my ‘I’d tell my secrets to’ person.

What now….

JA

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Then….

Way back in 2010 I met a boy of 23. It was late Summer and he was wearing shorts. I asked what his name was and laughed when I was told, claiming that, of course, that wasn’t his real name. We soon became friends and one day I get a private message from him asking if I would like to go to the cinema one day along with his number. I sent him a text saying I would like to go and so we did. Then we started spending more time together, at the pub, cinema, a few shopping trips near Christmas.

Christmas Eve of 2010 this boy visits my home, with presents for me. We spend a delightful evening cuddled up on my bed, holding hands and watching DVD’s. I was happy, it was clear we liked each other and it felt nice to be in physical contact with someone. I can’t even remember what he bought me, probably a DVD of some sort. Cut to New Years Eve of 2010, I decide to spend the night at the pub rather than a family party because I knew this boy would be there. We spend another delightful evening together, sitting close and holding hands when we could. Sometime during the evening, the boy was alone, sitting on a wicker chair when I got my first indication that he actually liked me the way I wanted him to. He reached up and took my hand and pulled me down into his lap, looked up and pulled me towards him. I pulled away, not wanting to kiss him while inebriated and in such a public place. I don’t know how he felt about this because I’ve never asked and he’s never told.

My birthday is in January. I celebrated with a group of my friends, of which the boy was included. At one point in the night I remember taking hold of his hand and going to walk to a different part of the club with him, he took offence and decided to go home not long after this. I was confused and a little upset, but continued to enjoy my celebrations.

The boy of 23 and I fell out sometime in 2011, he claimed not to have the same feelings I felt towards him and I couldn’t understand why he would behave as though he did. In the end I felt it was best to not be friends with him as I couldn’t go through the confusion of feelings I had every time I saw him.

In 2012, I became friends with the boy, now 25, again. I felt enough time had passed and my feelings had abated enough to be able to at least say hello. We went through the same motions again, texting often, going to the cinema, I even got invited to his brand new flat for dinner and a movie night. Soon the old feelings returned, and we were spending a lot of time with each other, but then something happened to me and I retreated from everyone, family, friends and work colleagues. The boy took offence and thought history was repeating itself, assuming that I was ignoring him again. So, rather than force the friendship, I decided to let him decide when he wanted to speak to me. Sadly, this did not happen, as we are both as stubborn as each other.

2014. In the pub. A mutual friend makes a request. “Can you please start talking to him (the boy) again, because it’s really awkward when I’m talking to one of you and not the other?” I assured said mutual friend that I didn’t think it mattered to me or the boy as there were always plenty of other people around for either one of us to speak to. Mutual friend was having none of it though and insisted. I agreed to say hello and if the boy said hello back I would make the effort to be civil. Surprisingly, the boy said hello back. For the remainder of the year there were a few cinema trips (me, the boy and mutual friend) and a random but utterly enjoyable night where mutual friend abandoned me and the boy so we ended up spending the majority of the night in each others company.

At the end of last year I wasn’t looking for anything other than a pretty awesome friend who was fun to be around, caring and an actual real life gentleman.

That was then….

JA

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Tweeting, but in a book.

Just started a new notebook. I’m hoping to record snippets of my life to look back on in years to come. Things I find funny, things that upset me, things I want to remember and things I should probably forget.

image

Why? Well, why not?

Emma Watson does it (apparently), I do it on Twitter all the time. I’ll probably end up recording stuff that will get me into trouble (who remembers those teenage diaries we all kept?) But, I like to think I’m better equipped to deal with life and consequences than I was 20+ years ago (Jesus! I am old).

Wish me luck,
JA

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I Have To Ask, Don’t I?

Writing from a little corner of the local Costa Coffee (other coffee chains are available). Nothing unusual there, except I’ve been on a health kick for a month – half a stone destroyed, thank you very much. It is also “Fat Friday”, cheat day, naughty meal day.

Yesterday was my first bad day at the gym, everything was hard, and I admit – I gave up and went home. Where things did not improve! The freezer in my house is an issue, it needs defrosting but every week more food appears making it difficult to defrost the damn thing.

Then, I text Mr. Chatty with a phone in his hand. Who, might I add text me every day for two weeks solid!! He’s out, aarrgghhh. I forgot that someone we knew was getting married and he would of course be out celebrating the big man’s last night as an unmarried man.

I’ve known for a while that Im going to have to do the asking. “Fancy a drink?” “Would you like to come to the cinema with me?” “I want to spend the day with you!” But, I can’t, I just can’t. What if he says no? What do I do then? I’ve asked him stuff before and he’s said yes, but it’s never been me asking him…OUT!! Mainly because I don’t do that, but, neither does he it would seem.

I don’t even know what I want from him, with him…I do know I think about him a lot. Too much, in fact.

So, my dilemma is this: Do I continue with our current arrangement which is great but not enough. Or do I put myself out there, for the first time ever, doing the grown up thing (read teenage) of saying “Hey, I have a thing, I think you have a thing, we should see if our things are the same thing (dear god, I sound about 12).

I’ve almost asked several times, always finding a reason not too, ie I’m a big fat chicken. But, I need to know, I have to know. I see tears.

It’s times like this I wish I was living in one of Jane Austens books, chaperones, monthly dances, only seeing the man of your dreams once in a blue moon. I’d also have more time for reading and walking. Yeah, can I go to the 1700’s?

Wish me luck.

A.

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Movie Review – Red Dawn (2012)

ImageFirst off, I’m not going to lie. I wanted to see this because of Chris Hemsworth. If I’m going to be looking at some tough guy on a massive screen I want him to look nice!

I also love action movies. i love seeing things get blown up, thrown about and just generally destroyed. The trailer promised all this and more.

I’m not claiming this is going to win any awards, but it is a ‘fun leave-your-brain-at-the-door-and-enjoy’ kinda deal. It has eye candy for both sexes and some fairly decent action sequences.

Chris Hemsworth is a Marine home for a few weeks visiting the family when North Korea decides to invade and teach the American Government how to run a country. Poor Josh Hutcherson finds himself in another Hunger Games-esque society, Tom Cruise’s offspring Connor is along for the ride along with some pretty ladies. They all end up at a Cabin In The Woods (wait a minute) where they must come together and fight those pesky Koreans.

And fight they do. Sadly, quite a few of the fight scenes are edited together horribly, something that is happening more and more in movies these days. You just can’t see what is going on, the close ups are too close, the camera work is shoddy; inexperienced editor (unlikely, he’d already worked on The Bourne Supremacy, Quantum of Solace and Iron Man 2); or covering up disappointing fight choreography? You decide.

But let’s not get too distracted from what is actually a decent enough movie, after all it has everything I look for in a ‘leave-your-brain-at-the-door-and-blow-sh*t-up’ movie. Chris Hemsworth frowns his way through each and every situation and looks mighty fine with an automatic weapon in his hands. The plot isn’t too unbelievable, my boy Hemsworth does state that they aren’t trying to win anything, but by being a bit of a nuisance to the opposing force they may help weaken their resolve; a logical argument if you ask me. There are some plot holes (phone battery seeming to last for weeks, with no sign of a plug in charger anywhere in the woods), but wait, there goes Hemsworth with a gun, looking all rugged and manly.

As plots go, it’s pretty basic, ending up where you would expect (see for yourself though), let’s blame/credit the screenplay writers for this. I’ll let the Director off the hook, as it’s his first outing in ‘the chair’, and everyone needs to start somewhere, right? The cast are largely unknown, having appeared in various television shows (Friday Night Lights, Home & Away and so on). The biggest names are probably Hemsworth and the smooth talking Jeffrey Dean Morgan (Supernatural).

I came out of this thinking; “yeah, I enjoyed that”- which is good enough for me. Probably won’t be one I rush out to buy on DVD immediately, but I’d certainly watch it again. So, give it a go if you like and let me know what you think.

A.

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I’m Ok, Because I Don’t Have Kids.

It happened.

We all knew it was only a matter of time. I mean, the niece did turn 12 way back in September. She also started High School.

Science lessons, that’s where it happened.

The 12 year old returned home from school one day looking positively unhappy. They were going to be learning about the human body, she said. They would be learning about lady bits and…man bits, she said. My sister, her mother smiled that ‘it’s ok Auntie Av has got this’ look at me. Why me? I’m the Aunt, it’s supposed to be my job to encourage the 12 year old to misbehave and say naughty words and get covered in mud. I’m supposed to be the fun one.

Cut to a few weeks later I get home from work and according to my sister ‘all hell broke loose’ on the way home from school. The niece branded her own Mother and Father DISGUSTING. There was even some kind of lecture…from the 12 year old.

Once she arrives home, she proceeds to give the same lecture to Nanny and Grandad, as they too are DISGUSTING. Even more so, because they have a total of three children, so logically, they were disgusting 3 times. The 12 year old now considers herself lucky being an only child, clearly Mum and Dad only managed this DISGUSTING thing once.

I arrive home from work, the 12 year old is in her room contemplating how disgusting life has become. I’m warned in advance of what has been learnt on this most disgusting of days.

Footsteps…the creaky step two from the bottom…the crackle of the door as it opens. I wait with not inconsiderable unease; to be told that I too am DISGUSTING. Enter the 12 year old, looking mortified. A sweeping look around the room at no one in particular, least of all the three people she cannot bear to make eye contact with, followed by “Can I talk to you in private?” Directed at me!!

We retreat to the hallway, where I try to ask as casually as possible “what’s the matter?” The 12 year olds reply: “We learnt about (MASSIVE PAUSE) sex today. They; she gestures towards the closed living room door; are disgusting. Me: “Oh…” *waits for inevitable onslaught.* The 12 year old “But you’re not (wait, what?), I can still talk to you (huh, what’s going on?), you don’t have children!! And off she goes upstairs.

I wait, processing what just didn’t happen, realising as I walk back through the door just why I am off the hook. My sister looks at me, expecting I received a lecture too. I grin and say to my Mum, Dad and little sister; “you are all disgusting, I’m not, because I don’t have children!”

That’s right, the 12 year old still has some innocence left.

A.

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March, The Month Of Unemployment!

Second year in a row I have been unemployed during the month of March.

Second year in a row I was made redundant.

They say these things happen in threes, well March 2014 can just sod off.

A.

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Do They Mean Well Or Am I Just Incapable Of Living My Own Life?

Over the last two years I have noticed a recurring problem with some family members. They meddle!

Take the latest in love life disasters; excellent night out at the pub, decent live music, fun with friends and family – all goes downhill when we leave and continue at a cousins house. Someone decides it would be a great idea to name two people from the pub you would like to have sexytime with.

Great! One of mine is standing two foot away from me.

Some people may think this was a blessing in disguise, but as my life is not some ‘made-for-Porn-Hub-drunk-college-dorm-room set up’ – it wasn’t.

In fact, any progress I had made with this person has been 100% undone, because oddly enough neither of us like our business to be on display Jeremy Kyle style for all the world and their dogs to see.

Now, I don’t doubt that in the drunk minds of the family, they were helping ‘move things along’, however in the cold, harsh, sober light of the next morning it was apparent they hadn’t.

This is the third time in two years this has happened, so I ask myself ‘do they mean well or am I just incapable of living my own life?’ I seem to be able to do basic stuff like dress, leave the house, go to work and so on, so why do they think I cannot handle my own love life?

Granted, I don’t have the most exciting of tales to tell when it comes down to it. But maybe I like it that way, maybe I like remembering the names of the people I’ve chosen to be intimate with, maybe I like not having a list as long as the Great Wall Of China.

Maybe, just maybe, I would like to finally live life my way, without having to ask for permission or acceptance from everyone. I am 34 after all.

So, well meaning, meddlesome family – thanks, but at the end I’d like to say (to quote the great Frank Sinatra); “I did it my way.”

A.

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Army Men!!

They are no good for my mental health.

A.

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